Dating relationships offer the promise of finding a forever love. However, the path to finding a forever partner is often littered with exhaustion, hurt, mistrust, broken hearts, and complicated relationships. It can be hard to find a partner in the sea of people looking for simple hookups or moving faster than trust can be established and maintained in the relationship.

The process of dating is an exploration. What do I and the other person want in a relationship and are both of us able to meet each other’s expectations? When it comes to looking for a forever partner, it is just as important to understand what frustrating habits and issues the other person is bringing to the table as the qualities we find exciting and are looking for. Just as we need to be chosen in the fullness of our strengths and weaknesses, it is just as important that we discover and be willing to choose the things we like and don’t like in a partner.

Life is hard, so everyone carries the baggage of their past wounds and struggles. Dating is not about finding the person without baggage. After all, you are bringing your own luggage to the relationship. Rather, dating and eventually marriage requires us to choose which baggage we are willing to help carry. If we can’t or don’t want to contend with the issues and wounds in the past of another, the relationship will not survive.

It is hard not to take the ending of a relationship personally, especially when the cause is issues in ourselves we struggle with. The question of our sufficiency comes to our minds: “Am I enough?” Because we find value in being chosen, we often feel valueless when we are not chosen or even unchosen. However, the right person for you is not someone who didn’t choose you. In fact, it is a clear indication they are not the right person. As neuroscientist Curt Thompson put it, “We are born into this world looking for someone looking for us.” We are looking for the person who wants to choose us. This takes time, and possibly many relationships, but it is worth the effort.

It is not our lack of individual sufficiency or worth that ends relationships, but a misalignment of values, relational skills, or one’s personal preferences for a lifetime mate. Discovering these misalignments is an important part of the task of dating. It is much easier to discover these things in dating than in marriage. Ending a dating relationship is significantly easier than ending a marriage. While the ending of dating relationships is difficult, it is an inherent part of the dating exploration process.

Still, the work of relationship in dating sets the foundation for marriage. The skills we exercise in boundary management, conflict, repair, differing goals and preferences, and many other things are built and sharpened in dating relationships. When we skip this important work in dating, we are forced to do it in marriage. For numerous reasons, it is significantly easier to do the work of relationship in the dating phase of a relationship than in marriage.

If you’re in a dating relationship and are trying to make it work but seem to be missing some skills or strategies to secure your relationship, we can help. We can help you learn strategies to protect your heart in dating, to spot red flags, learn strategies to manage conflict and differences, and ultimately discover if your dating relationship is ready to take the next step.